Honest. i did not know you were so honest.

I did not know being honest with myself became so freeing, it feels like im flying.

I started to write, and write some poetry too, but my quest was to be honest with myself, what i wrote was very personal to me, and i felt i did nit need to share it all to others, but as i wrote i felt i could only after a while though of letting it marinade within me

Little by little it felt more to me to write

I gave me somethings that i still am discovering, and that is something i never expected

The writing helped define how i feel and even though i had a voice, it gave a voice 

This voice it gave me is different & mysterious, im still learning from it….

Why would sharing things i know in my head already put on paper mean so much?….i do not know it all.

Honesty with myself proved a healing for myself

I have seen myself trying to be perfect, i have seen myself just be angry with the world-i would feel this when i drive and how i think other drivers are always wanting fast speed, i have seen myself just want to be with someone to share the pain

From my notebook:  it started when i started to say sorry for myself and sorry for my suffering, and then it slowly developed into this realization that im done pushing myself to get better

Again im sorry i didnt say the right things, but im sorry for your suffering

It is from the self compassion exercises that i learned to say out loud to myself, that this is a moment of suffering and say what it entails

Im sorry and truely sorry and love you haleh, i have also understood that part if my suffering is the fact that im not completly grateful in every moment for every moment (because that is not perfect) i feel ashamed to feel my guilt for this because i did not know at first & also i feel  that my guilt is not enough and is not true (i feel so numb i just dont know and didnt know how complex it is)

I have understood today that i truely have emotional pain & mental pain

…i think now i can truely accept compassion for myself….there is a love for myself here in this space for myself….  

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